Emily gave me a call the other day and told me that Jonathan won’t take her calls anymore. She told me that he broke up with her last month and has been slowly disconnecting from her by not following up with her calls or texts. He kindly and gently let her know that she just wasn’t right for him and he’s been a nice gentleman about it ever since.
However Emily didn’t really absorb this information very well and she continued to chase after him. We can chalk this up to Attachment Theory and maybe you may be right, but I’m not quite getting that in this situation. Jonathan is not an avoidant personality. He seems like a very stable, kind man. He was very upfront and direct that he just wasn’t interested after they had been dating for 2 months. If you’re not quite feeling it for a person you should be able to disconnect, let go and move on, sometimes relationships don’t work out and sometimes you just don’t develop those “kind of feelings” for somebody your dating. My client in this case would be Emily (the names have been changed here for privacy reasons), but even through the reading and hearing from only her perspective I could tell he was a really great guy and doing all the right things in trying to empathetically let her go, but she really needed to get the point. So what is going on here?
A while ago I heard this phrase, “rejection breeds obsession”. I’ve seen it in my own life as well as in my clients. A lot of times you can say it’s Attachment Theory, although I’d say he was a stable personality type in this case. “Rejection breeds obsession” overlaps Attachment Theory in many ways. When someone gets rejected it’s like they have to prove to themselves and others that whatever they were rejected for wasn’t true, they have to patch it up or they have to fix it whether that subconsciously or consciously. Then they become obsessed and start chasing. It is like in their minds if they can turn things around the rejection will magically heal itself, although that isn’t always the case.
What I would recommend in these instances if this is happening to your friend is first let your friend know what is happening. Enlightenment is a good starting point. If they realize what they are doing and the reality of the situation that starts to open the heart to healing and moving on. It is like a light turns on and they can see clearly again. Your friend both on the surface and underneath the surface needs to let it go, get grief healing (get to acceptance and out of the denial, bargaining, sadness, anger and depression stages), or to acknowledge that it really is over. Then you can help point them to a new path with someone else.
This overlaps a bit with my other article on “Why we want someone we can’t have”. Some of the stories may be different but the principles are still there. Once someone is enlightened to what is going on they can start moving in a new, brighter direction with someone better.
Don’t believe in scarcity, there is more than one romantic option out there!
Quick advice for the day. A client was experiencing this energetic, anxious pain in their chest area for a few months that was unusual for them as they usually don’t feel anxiety. Meditation and general asking for it to be healed wasn’t working for them. During the session I was reminded of “healing the 3 R’s”, rejections, resentments and regrets, which I had learned about through Theta Healing. I was shown multiple areas of their life, including career, family, and health. There were a number of events which they may have been carrying the 3 R’s for, so I asked God to pull any rejections, resentments and regrets in these events and replace with positive energy that was best and highest for them. The pain and anxiety went away, and is still gone for them.
I should note that I used to do this when I felt like my feelings for someone had faded or became negative. In the beginning of our relationship with someone we may feel a connection, happy, excited, or other positive loving feelings. Then as events unfold, and things don’t turn out as expected or wanted, rejection, resentment and regrets can build up. What I found is when I healed the 3 R’s between me and the other person my positive feelings came back, I felt love and affection for the person as I once did. Sometimes we want to get back to those positive feelings we’ve had for someone as we did before, this is one of the most effective ways I’ve used to get back to feeling positively about someone again.
I hadn’t done this healing in a while and put a note on my calendar to go over new events that may cause this to resurface even for me. I should also note here that if you are holding anger or resentment in other areas that this may manifest in the kidneys as well so I highly recommend healing them weekly or monthly. These are areas that we don’t always concentrate on during the usual chakra healing, so it is good to come back to them every once and a while.
Lastly I want to add to heal your and the other love interest’s abandonment issues. You may not have done anything extreme to bring up these issues but sometimes we don’t have to do something big to trigger somebody’s abandonment fears. Also, sometimes unbeknownst to you, you may also have abandonment issues but cover them up with what you feel is strength or you protecting yourself. Sometimes when we put these walls up we’re really afraid of being left for one reason or another. I highly recommend healing abandonment both with you and your person of interest even though they may have been small acts on your part that may have made them feel fearful of you abandoning them, thereby raising any walls or making them more guarded than they need to be around you. These can cause rifts as well as hidden negativity that we are not always consciously aware of why they are there. I find healing the 3 R’s and abandonment issues to considerably help in restoring the positive feelings I have for someone else, particularly in relationships.
Sometimes a rejection from those we are interested in can lead to us entering the grief cycle. Many of my clients have been rejected by those they feel are either their soulmates or twin flames. I’ve noticed that many people go through the stages of grief when they are rejected by someone they are attracted to, interested in or in love with. The problem is I don’t think they recognize that are going through the stages, instead they’re just feeling they’re emotions and reacting to them.
The denial stage is obvious. It’s essentially when you’re in denial and you can’t believe what just happened to you. Sometimes there’s a shock stage before denial but the denial stage is very real. It prevents you from seeing what is really happening, often times our ego wall might come up and we won’t see from the other person’s perspective. Next comes anger which is usually from being in a place of the ego reacting to getting rejected and trying to make up another story (they have issues, it is their fault, something is wrong with them) as well as lashing out at whoever rejected you. This can be in varying degrees, some people may not get that angry and instead get sad (low self esteem) and some people might start thinking about revenge. Bargaining comes around when someone often thinks that this is the only one they have a chance to be with or they’re not going to find someone else that they have a strong feelings for, which is not true, we have multiple soul mates. This can be a very embarrassing, uncomfortable stage that I don’t wish on anyone. They may turn to God or psychics for extreme solutions that they may feel embarrassed about later or when they realize what they asked for or tried to do. During this stage I will often put them in their love-interest shoes. I ask them how would you like it if somebody tried to force you to love them using God or spirits if you were not initially interested? They all calm down at that point and answer that they wouldn’t like it very much. It is an eye opener.
Then I usually share with them a more realistic solution. There’s some excellent books out there such as “The Like Button” that tells you how to gradually get somebody to be more comfortable in your presence or be curious about you. A lot of times this is just being around them, being in the same room, not necessarily always talking to them. A great way to explain this is to use the example of a deer and a bunny in a prairie. When the bunny first enters the prairie the deer might get spooked and run off. Overtime the bunny continues to enter the prairie but stays at a distance, not threatening the deer. This lets the deer know that the bunny is not dangerous because over time the bunny is not actually doing anything harmful. Slowly, the bunny can get closer without spooking the deer. I highly recommend “The Like Button” as well as Dale Carnegie’s “How to Make Friends and Influence People”. Some people may get spooked when you first show that you’re interested in them but it is possible to come back in a less scary manner and over time they can become curious about you, and more comfortable around you. You may become friends or you may become something more, this may just depend on a number of variables on both sides.
If you feel like you’re going through any of these stages of grief I highly recommend that you go through a healing process where you can get to the acceptance stage. I usually call an ascended Master such as Jesus, Mary, or Buddha as well as Archangel Artiya’il while laying down on my bed and ask them to help me get to the acceptance stage with whatever I’m struggling with at that time. Wait and feel much of the healing at the bottom of your lungs to clear before returning to your day. When the soreness or feeling in your lungs dissipate the healing is done. This can help push you past the stages of bargaining, anger and depression and into a more peaceful place. When you get to this peaceful place you no longer feel this urge or anguish over wanting to change the situation at any means possible. The sadness and depression go away. Then you’re more open to other options and no longer have that heart block that prevents you from seeing them or considering them.
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