Tag Archives: attachment theory

Rejection Breeds Obsession

March 18, 2021Love & Relationshipsattachment theory, breakup, celebrity obsession, ex boyfriend, obsession, rejection, rejection breeds obsession, romantic breakupPsychic Medium Andrea Knight

Emily gave me a call the other day and told me that Jonathan won’t take her calls anymore. She told me that he broke up with her last month and has been slowly disconnecting from her by not following up with her calls or texts. He kindly and gently let her know that she just wasn’t right for him and he’s been a nice gentleman about it ever since.

However Emily didn’t really absorb this information very well and she continued to chase after him. We can chalk this up to Attachment Theory and maybe you may be right, but I’m not quite getting that in this situation. Jonathan is not an avoidant personality. He seems like a very stable, kind man. He was very upfront and direct that he just wasn’t interested after they had been dating for 2 months. If you’re not quite feeling it for a person you should be able to disconnect, let go and move on, sometimes relationships don’t work out and sometimes you just don’t develop those “kind of feelings” for somebody your dating. My client in this case would be Emily (the names have been changed here for privacy reasons), but even through the reading and hearing from only her perspective I could tell he was a really great guy and doing all the right things in trying to empathetically let her go, but she really needed to get the point. So what is going on here?

A while ago I heard this phrase, “rejection breeds obsession”. I’ve seen it in my own life as well as in my clients. A lot of times you can say it’s Attachment Theory, although I’d say he was a stable personality type in this case. “Rejection breeds obsession” overlaps Attachment Theory in many ways. When someone gets rejected it’s like they have to prove to themselves and others that whatever they were rejected for wasn’t true, they have to patch it up or they have to fix it whether that subconsciously or consciously. Then they become obsessed and start chasing. It is like in their minds if they can turn things around the rejection will magically heal itself, although that isn’t always the case.

What I would recommend in these instances if this is happening to your friend is first let your friend know what is happening. Enlightenment is a good starting point. If they realize what they are doing and the reality of the situation that starts to open the heart to healing and moving on. It is like a light turns on and they can see clearly again. Your friend both on the surface and underneath the surface needs to let it go, get grief healing (get to acceptance and out of the denial, bargaining, sadness, anger and depression stages), or to acknowledge that it really is over. Then you can help point them to a new path with someone else.

This overlaps a bit with my other article on “Why we want someone we can’t have”. Some of the stories may be different but the principles are still there. Once someone is enlightened to what is going on they can start moving in a new, brighter direction with someone better.

Don’t believe in scarcity, there is more than one romantic option out there!

Need a reading? Check out my reading sessions, by clicking the link. I have same day readings as well here.

References

Firestone, Lisa, PhD. “Why Are We Hooked on Rejection?” https://www.psychalive.org/why-are-we-hooked-on-rejection-2/

Why We Want Those Who We Are Not With and What To Do About It

April 27, 2019Healing, Love & Relationships, Psychic Mediumship, reiki, Soul Mates, theta healingalone, attachment theory, boyfriend contact, breadcrumbing, die alone, divorce, facebook, he's just not that into you, lonely, love, love and relationships, love story, mediumship, mediumship reading, men are from mars, psychic reading, psychology, relationships, soul connection, Soul Mates, twin flames, why do I want what I can't have, why men act this way, women are from venusPsychic Medium Andrea Knight

There are a few psychological and metaphysical reasons why you may be interested in somebody who is either not interested in you or that treats you poorly.

1. You are connecting to their soul energy, you’ve pierced through their outer layers and have gotten to a spiritual side of them that contains unconditional love. As you try to concentrate on other things, thoughts of them pop up in your mind because your energies are communicating. The problem is if on a physical level they are not as aware of this as you are, and are not interested in you in that way, they may not treat you very well or really contact you much at all. This leads me to the psychological problems that can lead to feeling “stuck” on a person.

2. When someone is busy or doesn’t take much interest in us we think that they’re more special or have more value. When someone is busy sometimes we interpret that as they’re more important, that they have more friends, and are more popular than us. We put them on a pedestal thinking they are more rare and harder to get, increasing their “scarcity“, and therefore boosting their value in our mind. This is also why someone who “breadcrumbs” you, in other words only contacts you every once in awhile, can get you addicted to them as well.

3. If you have a pattern of wanting people that are either taken or hard to actually be with in a relationship you may have a fear of your relationships failing. In other words you put yourself in a position where you never actually get together with the person so it can never really fail, thereby avoiding heartbreak, humiliation, social judgement from friends and family. You may have to face the beliefs as to why you don’t actually want to be in a real relationship due to fears of it failing. For this I recommend theta healing, which works on fears and beliefs on a subconscious level, which I can provide over distance on my website here.

4. You get more of a rush mentally with dopamine when you have a roller coaster ride relationship than with a steady one. If you fantasize or are around that person for a shorter period of time you get that jolt of dopamine and then you leave them it allows you to reset so when you come back to them you get that jolt of dopamine again. To stay with them for a longer period of time where it is consistently good doesn’t give you that rush of dopamine after a period of absence.

5. Something feels unresolved or incomplete after you’ve been chasing them for a while? Maybe it feels unbalanced and you want it to feel equal. If you look up the reciprocity principal as I learned in Marketing, people feel obligated to return a favor. In this case you may have given this person a lot of attention, a lot of energetic love, and a lot of your mental time. Your brain wants something back in other words you want reciprocity. The unfortunate instance here is that you just may not get it back. What I recommend is a grief healing to get you to acceptance which I can also provide through my energy healing services on my website.

6. Possession. You feel like they are “yours”. What I receive in readings is a feeling like this person that is not their current partner (an interest, an ex) is “theirs” or belongs to them in some way and they don’t want them to move on or be with another. A lot of psychological articles will discuss a feeling of what they call “possession” of those you love. Much of this comes from the beliefs of “the one”, scarcity and insecurity. It can cause clients to feel jealous when their love interest is with another woman/man even though they do not have exclusivity with their love interest. In some cases the love interest may not even know my client very well yet and very little communication has been exchanged, yet my client can still feel like their love interest is “theirs”. Break free and realize we have more than one soul mate, many past lives and can feel a connection even with someone new. Ask God to heal your feelings of scarcity and “the one” in the best and highest way for you.

Recommendations:

1. Compartmentalize – this is a coping mechanism that helps you to focus on things like work and other areas of your life while shelving your romantic life for a while. It helps you not lose your life while you are thinking about or feeling stuck on another person.
2. Watch something that puts you in a better mood – for me this is YouTube videos on comedy, interviews with mentors or animals. Get out of depression and feeling spent or empty from giving them so much love and attention and receiving little back.
3. Date other people – know you’re worth it and receive some of those compliments you are giving to someone else.
4. Work on yourself – psychologically and metaphysically, change how you see the situation. Someone treating you like crud should not be attractive and shouldn’t pull you towards them, instead know intellectually why this is happening to you by reading articles like this or books so when you encounter it you can change the situation and bring someone to you that treats you better. Go to my website, I provide theta healing which work on the fears and beliefs that sabotage you.

When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Tell You How He Feels

May 13, 2018Healing, Love & Relationships, Psychic Mediumship, reiki, Soul Mates, theta healingattachment theory, boyfriend, buddhism, closed off, emotionally unavailable, emotionally unavailable men, heal your life, love, love and relationships, mediumship, mediumship reading, psychic reading, psychology, push and pull, reiki, relationships, sex, stoic men, theta healing, why men act this wayPsychic Medium Andrea Knight

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I do many readings for others and many of my readings are with a woman that are attracted to a guy who she keeps in good contact with but he’s not revealing his feelings enough to her verbally. Clients often ask me why they have this pattern where the man is not revealing his feelings enough in the relationship. Many times I will receive that he reveals feelings in others ways as verbal expression can be difficult depending on how he was raised. Other ways can be acts of service, affirmations, quality time, physical gifts and longer than usual eye contact. Check out my 5 love languages article for more on this.

Some of this can be explained by Attachment Theory as someone is attracted to another person who is what they call an “avoidant” and it makes the client very anxious waiting for some sort of validation of his feelings in a verbal sense. These personality times have some psychological challenges to work through and can be a difficult partner for someone who gets anxious with separation.

The third reason that comes up is metaphysical. If you see the same pattern come up in your life where your partners have trouble expressing emotion, law of attraction may be sending you the same person with similar patterns. Look into your past. How many people in your life act similarly in ways that bother you? How much time, attention, action and feeling have you put into these people? Many times these people were just in you life from the get go, like parents, but over the years you have put energy, thought, feeling and action into people with similar personality traits. To manifest according to the book “The Secret” by Rhonda Bryne it helps to put thought, feeling, and action behind what you want. According to this book the law doesn’t really discriminate “bad” versus “good” desires, if you put the energy into it it is possible to get the same thing out over and over again. Now I do believe that spiritual forces protect us from ourselves but they do show us the same patterns as well so we can correct for it.

Some clients ask me how do I stop this pattern of being with these guys that don’t openly express their feelings. My recommendation is two fold. First reverse you’re thinking and reactions when you encounter someone who openly shows emotion. If you find yourself taking a step back in fear the problem may not be the person that is expressing themselves; it may be time to look at why you’re uncomfortable with someone showing you affection. The second recommendation is to look for either a behavioral psychiatrist who can do some sort of hypnotherapy on your subconscious or a Theta healer who essentially does the same thing but on multiple metaphysical levels including past lives, soul level, current life and genetic levels. My own Theta Healing also concentrates on the mind or mental level as well as the Akashic records. Theta healing removes the negative beliefs and fears that cause you to react this way and replaces them with something more positive and in line with what you really want. If you’d like to look at some of my energy healing options feel free to look on my website here. I also do psychic mediumship readings here.

Additional Reading:

“The Secret” by Rhonda Bryne

“Attached” by Amir Levine

“Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray

boyfriend feels, boyfriend feels, boyfriend feels

Why He is Not Calling and What You Can Do About It. Attachment Theory.

March 15, 2018Healing, Love & Relationships, Past lives, Psychic Mediumship, reiki, Soul Mates, theta healingalone, anxiety, attachment theory, breakup, can't let go, communication problems, lonely, love, love and relationships, psychic, Psychic Mediumship, psychic reading, relationship ended, Romance, soul mate, Soul Mates, the one, theta healing, twin flame, why is he not calling mePsychic Medium Andrea Knight

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Are you stuck in an unequal relationship that displays any of these characteristics:

– He doesn’t follow up with contact
– He doesn’t initiate enough or give you enough attention
– He isn’t expressing his feelings but you can tell he has them
– You find yourself in cycles of push/pull, hot/cold, chase/run

I highly recommend this book on attachment theory. It discusses each of the types and how to best deal with their behaviorial issues.

It talks about both perspectives, why you are stuck having feelings for this person who doesnt give you enough love back and why they are pulling away, occasionally coming back to string you along. While there may be deeper metaphysical issues as well which we can discuss in a reading here : www.feathersinfinity.com, this book does give some great pointers on what to heal as well as how to react to your love interest. Sometimes knowing why they are acting this way helps us to react less emotionally and take it less personally.

The books discusses 3 types, the anxious, the stable and the avoidant.

In summary (we can be a mix of any 3 of theThe Anxious – This person is always wondering why he doesnt call, why he doesnt initiate the dates or contact enough, and feels they are constantly chasing someone who does not show enough appreciation for them. However they find themselves in love with the other party, stuck in an unending cycle, hoping he’ll change. Often times lack of action from their love interest ruins their day or part of their day and can be a source of anxiety for the person.

Avoidant – An avoidant personality wants to maintain their independence, is afraid of getting hurt but tries not to show it, and often pulls away for a time until they miss a person and then pop back into the love interests life when they feel ready. They are consistantly inconsistant, they think people should hide their emotions and have difficulty expressing themselves. They have deep feelings too but try to push them away and control them due to lack of trust.
Stable – This is the personality type that we hope to achieve, a good balance of empathy to know when your partner needs affection and attention, expressing their own emotions and is able to be more vulnerable on a healthy way with their partner. Stable people can be with all 3 personalities because they have the wisdom and empathy to understand the others’ point of view and can tend to their needs without as much emotional turmoil.